Wednesday, June 10, 2015

War and Other Games

I dreamt I got in the zone and played tetris to the end, level 699, where the cubes dissolved and unicorns danced among streamers and confetti. So there is a way to win. It's not play until you lose null effort.

 I was conscripted to the army in 4 dreams of the night before.

 First as my younger self who was wheeee, and it was a big adventure. Hubby came to see me off at the terminal and kept walking alongside me as I went up the line until we got to the desk and the officer looked him over and said, you want to come to. You can skip the queue and he said, sure, I've never done that before. And we were walking into the dark building.

At the next desk a big cinematically lit hulk of a uniform stamped papers and we were jabbering happily and hubby said, oh, our cat's at home. We'll have to get a sitter. The man at the desk in a dark gravelly tone said, "oh, we'll look after the cat, sir." His tone started to prick my helium bubble but hubby was unbothered. We went down another dark corridor that smelled of old age home astringent.

In the next dream I was in a barracks, or the waiting room of one. There was a bench like a change room all around the walls. It may have been a change room once. I was an Iranian woman, wearing a tan and brown hijab and looked at all the mass of humanity around idle. Each sat alone with light from above, shadows at the floor that helped conceal the dirt.

They conscripted anyone. Young men, old men, overweight, native born or...To the side of the room was a lightly black girl of about 8, her hair in Bantu knots, wearing a pink Pakistani shalwar kameez. A lanky white man of about 20 who seemed to have not yet grown into his hands and feet kept eyeing her in a way that made me uncomfortable and made her curl up more, knees to her chin.

He called her over and kept calling until she obeyed and he ordered her to lay her head on his lap and tugged at her hair and teased her. I ordered her over to my side and she cuddled against me and sucked her thumb.

Although we were each assigned army cots, I didn't like her being alone in the open room with him there. I kept her at my side all day and near lights out she seemed reluctant to leave, standing a little distance from the end of my cot. I nodded and she curled up with me for the night. Tomorrow was gun training.

 When I broke from the dream I was still asleep. Except the bed had a lot of tangled sheets and I was naked and white and obese and a hairy old man wrapped around another soldier in the barracks. I felt oriented and fell back asleep. When I woke again a warmth of big man was behind me, his arms around me then his furry butt.

I woke again and there was a cold breeze and shouting and more men gathered. 4 then 6 were laughing or standing back and my bunk mate was saying I shat on him. He pointed in the sheets to two pieces and I jumped from bed and grabbed them and said, "no, no, they're soap, they're clean, it's fine. I ate soap. It's clean." "They look dirty to me" said some guy to the side and I ran to the washroom, cold feet against colder terrazzo, rubbed them at the sink until they were white but not too white so I could prove. Prove what exactly.

 When I woke again I felt the dock sway. It was a grey overcast day and the waves were choppy. I was coming back to the ship. I looked down and I was a black woman in a navy uniform. My hands looked young, plump, smooth. Gunmetal sky seemed to take on more meaning than usual.

I hadn't predicted reserve forces would really see action. My pump heels were catching in the slats between boards. I was unsure I wanted to go on this mission. I felt dread as I looked at the boat. War was at sea. War was within. Being with the crew mates might be a worse war. My stomach swayed disproportional to the waves. I felt sick or seasick, I couldn't tell which.